6. Keep Yourself Away From Glasses

[MAXIMILIAN pushes the CARDINAL away and rises, face dripping with holy goop.]

PORKEO.
Sire, how fare you?

MAXIMILIAN.
I am sad.

PORKEO.
Sad? Why sad?
You live, be glad!

MAXIMILIAN.
O clown that laughs so freely!
O fool that smiles so sweetly!
Know you not woe,
Thou glib Pierrot?
Know not terror, horror, dread?
Yet I know fear,
For think how near
I came to being dead!

CARDINAL.
My lord, if for your soul you fear
Take heed of this small notice here:
A letter from the papacy
That’s sure to grant you clemency.
If you will do what is I say,
This grave Enlight’ner send away,
And do not look, but, rather, pray.

LEOPOLD, to the emperor, temptingly.
My lord – the telescope?

CARDINAL, leaping between them.
Keep yourself away from glasses!
You’re safer blind and saying Masses.
Pluck out your eyes and have a hope,
We’ll send them jellied to the Pope.
He’ll lay them in St. Peter’s grave,
And keep you safe ’till Judgment Day.

MAXIMILIAN, gravely.
Mon père . . .

CARDINAL.
My son?

MAXIMILIAN.
Have you any . . . cheese?

CARDINAL.
Cheese?

COURTIERS, accusingly.
Cheese!

MAXIMILIAN.
Cheese would calm my tumsy-wumsy.

LEOPOLD.
He will not say he has no cheese,
Yet cheese you may receive
If only you obey
And act in the right way:
Kiss ring, psalm sing, etcetera . . .
Not in this world, mind you, but the next.

MAXIMILIAN, appalled.
Well?

CARDINAL, patting himself down, turning his holy pockets inside-out.
I am without cheese presently, sire, but, given time . . .

MAXIMILIAN.
O!

COURTIERS.
O!

MAXIMILIAN.
To the dungeons!

[Some COURTIERS arrest the CARDINAL and drag him away.]

CARDINAL, turning back.
The pope shall hear of this!

MAXIMILIAN, mockingly.
Then let him send cheese the moment that he does!

MAXIMILIAN & COURTIERS.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Exit CARDINAL, protesting.]