5. The Choking Song
MAXIMILIAN.
Ugh, I am too hungry for the licking of this lolly, tee-hee-hee. I shall bite!
[MAXIMILIAN takes a huge bite out of the lollipop. He rises from his throne, white as a sheet, eyes huge with terror. The court stands in awe, thinking that the emperor will speak. Instead, he grabs insanely at his throat. He is choking.]
MAXIMILIAN.
O!
COURTIERS.
O!
CARDINAL.
Your grace?
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
LEOPOLD.
My lord?
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack! Save me!
LEOPOLD, CARDINAL, PORKEO, and COURTIERS.
Great God! The emperor is choking!
MAXIMILIAN.
Save me, Lord Porkeo! Save me!
[PORKEO leaps to MAXIMILIAN’s side and dutifully performs the Heimlich maneuver. At the same time, the CARDINAL hastily performs last rites, dabbing the emperor with at least five holy oils.]
CARDINAL.
God, father of mercies!
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
CARDINAL.
Pater misericordiárum!
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
CARDINAL.
Through the death . . .
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
CARDINAL.
And resurrection . . .
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
CARDINAL.
Of His only son . . .
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
CARDINAL.
And I, by the faculty given me . . .
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
CARDINAL.
By the holy Apostolic See . . .
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
CARDINAL.
Absolve thy sins committed . . .
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
CARDINAL.
Per visum . . .
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
CARDINAL.
Auditotum . . .
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack!
CARDINAL.
Odorátum . . .
PORKEO.
Hrrk!
CARDINAL.
Et gustum!
MAXIMILIAN.
Ack! [hocks up the lolly]
Away, priest! I’m not dead yet!